Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
