I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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