I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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