Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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