I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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