I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
