i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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