My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
