I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
