At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
