I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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