New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
