I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize