3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize