I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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