I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
