I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
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