man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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