She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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