No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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