By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
