Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize