I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
