I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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