I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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