Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
