FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
