I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
