i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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