What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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