An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
