I hope my margaritas pass through security.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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