I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
