Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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