i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
