my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
