i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
