it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
