You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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