The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
