dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
