so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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