Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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