i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
