It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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