last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
