i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
