i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
