We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
