I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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