Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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