i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize