when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Shame - the story of my life.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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