It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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