woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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