My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
