Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
