Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
