I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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