Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Randomize
