wakey wakey hands off snakey
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
