It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
