id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
