I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
