Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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